do you not think that I know that I'm failing? Do you really feel the need to remind me like I don't know, like it isn't something I can feel? I feel it every second of every day and trying to get through the day is hard enough without you telling me that I'm rotting. That this is supposed to be a special year for me, that I should get out there and do what I love. Well, this is obviously news to you, but I haven't had something that I love to do in years. You think that I love this and that, I don't, I haven't, and I can't pretend anymore to make you happy. I'm drowning and I know it but you telling me I'm drowning is not the life line I need. Thanks for the help, try something else.

 my best friend is leaving to go to australia in a week, i'm a wreck, i don't know what to do with myself and i don't know what i'm going to do when she's gone. she'll be gone for six fucking months what the fuck i'm i supposed to do until she gets back!!!!! she's not coming home until just before new years, my best friend who i see every goddamn day. i'm so sad but i'm happy for her and i'm so jealous that she's going out there and doing what she wants, something that i'm not so good at doing. i'm perfectly miserable living the mediocre and yet unable to push myself out of it to go after what i want. i'm so scared of being alone and facing the unknown that i won't go do want i know i want to do. i'm soooooooo fucking jealous and i wish that i could be more like her in so many aspects of my life. i guess thats why we're friends, i see something in her that i wish i could have in myself and so the more i'm with her i'm hoping some of that rubs off on me, maybe she sees something in me that she wishes she could be. i don't know, maybe thats just really egotistical of me, but i'd like to think that i have some redeeming qualities that people like in me. i just wish that i could see them for myself. but i guess that its a flaw of being human, seeing things in others that we are incapable of seeing in ourselves so incapable that we fear we are completely useless to the rest of the world. a complete waste of skin. i feel like that sometimes, if i can't make some sort of mark on the world as i see it, whats the point? am i not just a waste of space taking up someone else's meaningful air, air that someone else could use in order to do something fabulous? god i'm depressed, i sometimes wish that other people could see beyond what i show to the world, that they could see the real me and see how scared and alone i really feel. how would my life be different then, if my friends and family really knew what i was hiding away from the rest of the world. how i feel when i'm alone, how inadequete and stupid and useless and everything negative i am. does everyone feel like this? does everyone hide their true selves away from the world because they fear the rejection of truly being known for what they are and who they are? or am i the only one who surrounds themselves in a world of lies to make other people feel better, to assure them that i'm really ok and happy.

 I'm reading The Alchemist, which, so far, is all about finding what you are truly meant to do in life. Taking the chance of having everything you ever dreamed of and not feeling guilty about being happy. The thing that you are meant to do is the dream you have as a child of the thing you want to do, the dream that you lose over time. I've been thinking about this, I had so many dreams as a child which one is my purpose. I wanted to dance on broadway, I wanted to be a lawyer, I wanted to be a marine biologist, so how do I found out which is the path that I lost? But I understand the point made about losing your dreams as you grow up, through fear, obligations and anything else. There are so many things in my life that I want to do and I can visualize them in my mind but starting out and taking that first step is the hardest thing in the world to do. I'm so terrified of failure and of being miserable and leaving everything I know behind that I can't do it. I can't take what I want because I'm scared to take the first step. It hurts and it sucks but I don't know what to do about it!!!

On the plus side of everything. I'm in love with this man....



he's so fantastic!!!!

 I believe in a lot of things and I like to think that if I believe strongly enough my beliefs won't come crashing down around my feet. I believe that there are many loves in someones lifetime and losing one love may open a door to another love. But I also believe that there is one great love in the world for everyone, the chances of finding this great love are small but that person is out there. So why is it that the loss of one love can so completely shake all my beliefs and threaten a huge crash. The loss of one love shouldn't mean that I will never find love again it should mean that I've come away having learnt something about myself. How shitty must my self esteem be to not see that my beliefs hold true even when applied to myself, I am not the exception to the rule. I refuse to be the exception to the rules in my head. But it comes to a point that I am making myself the exception to the rule by not being able to get back on my feet again and find the next love in my life, no one will ever find me if I'm sitting alone in my apartment. Sitting alone in my apartment is something that I've become quite accustomed to, its comfortable here and not scary like it is out in the real world. Alone in my apartment I can be in any world I choose to be, and I am, most of the time. I live in a world where I can get what I want without having to work for it, its a world where people love me because I am me. Its a fabulous world and one that I am loathe to leave. Although I know I must leave eventually but for now is it so wrong to be in a world where I am beautiful, where I think I'm beautiful? So for all my beliefs in how love works I'll continue to find love within my imagination simply because its a nicer easier place to live.